In my experience, every man who has ever said they "don't do gifts" has turned out to be a dud. If he is showing her his appreciation in other ways, I am not privy to it. My daughter is no saint, but she is a giving person with a lot going for her. It looks to me like it has already started, and she does not even have a ring yet. My husband and I have been married for 30 years, so I know how easy that is to do. I am worried because people tend to take each other for granted the longer they are married, unless they work not to do that. He says that there is far too much commercialization around holidays, and that it forces people to purchase and receive gifts that no one really wants. He does not give gifts, and may skip occasions such as wedding anniversaries (if they have them), birthdays, Christmas and all the rest. I am wondering what your thoughts might be on the following: She seems to want to marry him, and I have reservations. They are both studying business in college. He seems nice enough, and he is highly intelligent. (Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, to her email, or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.) View CommentsĭEAR MISS MANNERS: My 21-year-old daughter has been dating a conservative young man since high school. She would never say that the words chosen when conveying conventional politeness do not matter - but she does not share your imputation of ill intent to these particular examples. But Miss Manners does not see a substantive difference between it and a shortened form. GENTLE READER: Would you be less offended by "Of course you are most welcome - I am so very happy to be able to do this for you"? "Of course" just really gets under my skin. Do you agree? I do not find "Anytime" rude, especially after thanking someone who did you a big favor. Since when has that been acceptable? I find it arrogant and rude. Who knows but that, having been shown a better way, they have not spent a sleepless night repenting? View CommentsĭEAR MISS MANNERS: In response to "thank you," I have been hearing a lot of "Of course" or "Certainly," especially from the younger generation. What she advises used to be known as solving the problem, an activity that Miss Manners accepts is old-fashioned, even if it is the only one that ever worked.Īnd just because we do not see the offenders shrivel up in front of us does not mean we have not succeeded. She realizes this runs counter to a world that is impatient when the package just ordered is not already at the door. True, Miss Manners' approach does not always provide the instant gratification of smacking our fellow citizens under the guise of good manners. Nor is it because the solutions proposed do not work. This is not because there are no solutions to rude behavior or because one must either accept rudeness or be rude oneself. It takes time to improve the world - or even, truth be known, one's friends and relations. This should be apparent, as even Miss Manners' most caustic advice is too late to touch a driver who has long since sped away, a line-cutter who is off offending new people out of reach of the Gentle Reader, or everyone else who has long forgotten what happened at that date, luncheon, meeting or class reunion. This is because the goal is not to strike someone who struck you first - the goal is not to get hit in the first place. But she more often counsels more subtle responses, which, even had the reader known them when the event occurred, would not have required a fire extinguisher. Miss Manners does, on occasion, supply responses which, though faultlessly polite, cause an offender to explode in a burst of mortification and apology. Miss Manners' field is external behavior, not internal squirming, but her concern is the implication that the victim has, or should have, given up hope of improving society.Ī fourth type of letter underscores the point: It seeks a polite response to a slight, real or imagined, that the Gentle Reader already answered with a taunting rejoinder, a rude gesture or worse. What follows is an example of something that was never OK. "Am I just being hopelessly old-fashioned or.
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